’Lil Guy the Cat presents… How to Train Your Human: Breakfast Time

Alright, kitties, listen up!

Perhaps you’ve noticed that some of our humans lately seem to be under the impression that they’re in charge. Luckily for you, you’ve got my wise advice to help you navigate those tricky moments when your human acts up. Today I’m introducing my new webinar series, How to Train Your Human. Our first topic: Breakfast time.

Rule Number 1: Always make sure your human is up on time. (Yes, I get it. They want to sleep in. But it’s critical to remember—we don’t care.) Laziness must not be tolerated in your human or it will lead to further insubordinate behavior.

Rule Number 2: “Time” is irrelevant. (What is time, anyway? Nothing but a silly human invention devised to allow them to make excuses!) As we all know, there is no such thing as “too early.” Breakfast should be served promptly when you want it, whenever that happens to be. Always remember that you are in charge.

Rule Number 3: Commence with the wake-up procedures. Step A) Begin with a gentle vocal meow or two to let them know that you’d like them to get up and serve breakfast now. Be as cute as possible and don’t forget to purr—remember that most of them are suckers for that crap so it is always best to try that first. If that doesn’t work, proceed to Step B) Meow more loudly and repeatedly. Jump onto the bed if you aren’t up there already, preferably landing directly on the body with as much force as possible. Continue meowing and walking across their body until you elicit a response. (I find that the neck and facial area often works when the human is being dismissive.) Licking, nuzzling, and prodding is encouraged. “Accidental” claws on bare skin could be helpful as well. If that fails to work, try Step C) Employ a few pounces in the vicinity of the bladder area, as this often gets them moving. No matter what, you must find a way to show them that you will not be ignored. And if all that still doesn’t get them up, proceed directly to Rule Number 4.

Rule Number 4: When the previous steps have failed to raise your human, you must resort to drastic measures. AKA—Operation Nightstand. Yes, I know this behavior is distasteful and may cause a less-than-gracious response from your disobedient human, but this is the point where they must be made to understand the repercussions of their continued inaction. Peruse the items located on the nightstand and knock over and toss some of them on the floor, making as much noise and mess as possible. Breakage is always a plus. If your human’s eyes are open, make eye contact to ensure that they know you mean business. (This usually does the trick when your previous attempts are unsuccessful!)

Helpful Tip: If you are lucky enough to have a human who suffers from sleep apnea and wears one of those CPAP mask thingies, just step on the OFF button. That works 100% of the time!

Are they up, finally? Excellent! Proceed to Rule Number 5. Or, if not, repeat all the steps until you have achieved success. Be relentless! Failure, when it comes to food, is not an option. Remember that your upcoming meal (whichever one it is) is always the most important meal of the day.

Rule Number 5: Escort your human to the feeding area. (They may insist on a stop at the bathroom first. That’s okay! Be generous and give them a few minutes. Remember that they are inferior creatures who cannot control themselves like we can. Allow them to do their business but keep an eye on them and don’t let them forget that you are waiting. Lounging at their feet and rubbing against their legs is a good reminder.

Enjoy your breakfast! And lastly, remember to reward your human for performing their job sufficiently by leaving a fresh, aromatic present for them in the litterbox. (I like to leave mine right on top, uncovered, so my human knows it is there for them.) Hey, we all know how much they love to collect those … Such strange creatures, our humans, but we love them anyways!

Next up in the How To Train Your Human series—Sharing the Bed. Stay tuned!